Ask the Expert: How to Deal With Bullies

Dr. Jen Wojciechowski, PhD, a Sharp-affiliated psychologist with Sharp's Adolescent Cognitive Intensive Outpatient Program, answers frequently asked questions about bullying and what you can do if you suspect your child is being bullied or is doing the bullying.

What is bullying?
Are there different types of bullies?
What about cyberbullying?
How common is cyberbullying?
What can parents do to prevent cyberbullying and promote safe Internet use?
What's the difference between teasing and bullying?
Why do kids bully each other?
What are characteristics of bullies?
Are there common characteristics of children who are bullied?
What can children do to stop bullying?
What can children do if someone they know is being bullied?
What can parents do about bullying?
How should I handle bullying when my child is the victim?
What should I do if my child is the bully?
What are schools doing about bullying?
What do you do when both the child and the child's parent are bullies?

What is bullying?
Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Victims have difficulty standing up for themselves and are typically bullied repeatedly over time.

Are there different types of bullies?
Bullies may utilize physical, relational, emotional or cyber means to inflict intentional physical or emotional pain on others. Physical bullying is the most widely recognized form of bullying.

Some examples of physical bullying include:

Biting
Breaking objects
Hair pulling
Hitting
Inappropriate touching
Kicking
Taking/destroying another’s property/possessions

Verbal bullying is quick, direct and easy. Examples include:

Demeaning jokes
Gossip
Intimidation
Name calling
Rumors
Slander
Teasing
Threats

Emotional bullying is sophisticated, calculated and usually done by a group. Emotional bullying hurts victims' feelings and lowers self-esteem. Examples may include:

Leaving people out on purpose
Public humiliation
Spreading lies/gossip to damage someone’s reputation

What about cyberbullying?
Cyberbullying is the newest form of bullying and does not happen face-to-face. Cyberbullying occurs through the use of technology such as computers, social networking sites, cell phones and other electronic devices. Cyberbullying is different from other forms of bullying because it can occur 24 hours a days, 7 days a week, 365 days a year;, can be conducted anonymously; and can be shared with a wide audience quickly and easily. Examples include:

Creating/posting videos or websites, stories and photos that ridicule or humiliate someone
Sending mean emails or text messages
Spreading rumors through social networking sites.

How common is cyberbullying?
Sadly, bullying is widespread among children and adolescents and affects nearly half of all middle and high school students. Bullying can occur as early as preschool, with increased presence in elementary school, peaked prevalence in middle school and then decreases in high school years.

What can parents do to prevent cyberbullying and promote safe Internet use?
Parents can prevent cyberbullying by talking to their children about Internet safety and limiting their time on electronic devices. Encourage children to block cyberbullies from accessing their online profiles and to explore additional privacy settings available on social networking sites. Make sure kids know that cyberbullying hurts people’s feelings in the same ways face-to-face bullying does. Remind kids that schools have strict policies against cyberbullies and infractions often lead to school suspensions or criminal charges.

What’s the difference between teasing and bullying?
Teasing is a playful act in which people poke fun at each other with no intention of hurting the other person’s feelings. Sometimes feelings may get hurt unintentionally but children are typically able to recover quickly. On the contrary, bullying is intentional. The actions of bullies are deliberate and aim to cause physical or emotional harm to the victim over a long period of time.

Why do kids bully each other?
There is no one reason that kids bully one another. Individual, family, peer, school and community factors may increase kids’ likelihood to bully. Research suggests that bullies have a need for power. Bullies may view their behavior as a way of becoming popular or looking “tough” in front of their peers. Other kids may bully because they get satisfaction in causing other’s pain. Some children who are victims of trauma or abuse may deal with their own anger and emotions by hurting or humiliating other people. Bullies often obtain psychological or material rewards for their behavior. For example, bullies may acquire other people’s possessions and gain popularity, attention or dominance over others.

What are characteristics of bullies?
Individual characteristics of bullies include:

Difficulty following rules
Impulsivity
Lack empathy
Low frustration tolerance
Low self-esteem
Positive views of violence

Family characteristics of bullies include:

Lack of supervision from parents
Lack of warmth and involvement from parents
Modeling of bullying behavior
Overly permissive parents
Physical discipline practices
Victimization by older siblings

Are there common characteristics of children who are bullied?
Any child can be a victim of bullying. Some kids are victims of bullies for no identifiable reason. Other times, children get bullied for being “different” in some specific way. For example, kids may be bullied because of their weight, height, academic abilities or challenges, athletic abilities, physical disabilities, etc. Children who are socially isolated tend to be targets of bullying because they do not have a group of friends to protect them.

What can children do to stop bullying?
Being bullied is a difficult thing for any child to deal with; however, there are things kids can do to help the situation.

Children are less likely to be bullied when they are with a group of friends or acquaintances. Remember, there is power is numbers!
Children can speak up against bullying and communicate they are uncomfortable with being bullied by saying things like “Stop it!”
Sometimes, you cannot walk away or escape physical bullying. If kids are being physically bullied, they should make an attempt to protect themselves and get away from the situation as quickly as possible.
Victims of bullying can walk away and pretend it is not bothering them. Bullies pick on kids because they want to get a negative reaction. Eventually, when bullies think they are not causing victims emotional/physical pain they will lose interest. Kids should make sure they find a healthy way to deal with the emotions bullying causes when the bully is no longer around (i.e., drawing, talking with friends, exercising, etc.).
Victims of bullying should talk to a trust-worthy adult so they can help solve the problem or provide additional suggestions for dealing with the bullying. If kids don’t feel comfortable talking to an adult they could write a note or send an email.

What can children do if someone they know is being bullied?
Children should be encouraged to speak up against bullying and to treat others the way they want to be treated. If children are aware of other kids being bullied they can help by talking with and supporting them, sitting with them at lunch, playing with them at recess/free time or by making a trusted adult aware of the situation.

What can parents do about bullying?
Parents should communicate their belief that bullying is wrong, intervene immediately and take action!

How should I handle bullying when my child is the victim?
If your child is being bullied you can support him or her by first providing support, empathy and a listening ear. It is important for parents to communicate that bullying is wrong and that it is not their child’s fault. Recognize your child’s courage for telling you about the bullying. Never blame your child or imply that their behavior warranted the bullying.

Learn as much as you can about the bullying incidents. Do not take action immediately — let your emotions cool down before you try and address the problem. Collaborate with your child to identify strategies for decreasing the bullying and coping with the stress it may cause them. Contact your child’s school and discuss the issue with your child’s teacher or counselor. Provide factual information to the school and stress your intentions to work closely with the school to eliminate the bullying.

Don’t take matters into your own hands or contact the parents of the bully — this often makes things worse. It is best to let the school personnel contact the bully’s family and develop an intervention plan.

What should I do if my child is the bully?
Although it may be difficult for parents to hear that their child is bullying, it is important for them to take the incident seriously and talk to their child. Parents should strive to stay calm and to not become overemotional. Discuss the incident with the child and ask them to explain their actions and role. Parents should communicate to their children that bullying is unacceptable behavior that hurts everyone involved. Identify clear guidelines and expectations for behavior. Spend more time with your child and assist your child with engaging in more pro-social activities such as extracurricular activities, clubs, sports, etc. Parents should work with their child’s school to address the bullying and to develop an intervention plan.

What are schools doing about bullying?
Many schools are implementing zero tolerance policies against bullying. This sends a clear message to students, parents and school personnel that bullying behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Schools are also adding policies against cyberbullying and promoting Internet safety among the student population. Additionally, there are an increasing number of school-wide bullying prevention programs being implemented.

What do you do when both the child and the child’s parent are bullies?
Don’t take matters into your own hands. It is best to get your child’s school involved. Inform the school about the bullying incidents, and let them contact the bully’s parents and collaborate with them to develop an intervention plan. The school can send a clear message about the severity of the bullying behavior and associated consequences.

Find a San Diego Pediatrician
To find a Sharp-affiliated doctor, search for a San Diego pediatrician or call 1-800-82-SHARP (1-800-827-4277), Monday through Friday, 8 am to 6 pm.

For More Pediatric Care Information
For more tips on how to select a pediatrician, visit Choosing a Pediatrician. To find general information on pediatrics, visit the Kids' Health News archive.