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The next time you make a mistake, stop and take a moment to hear your inner voice. What is it telling you?
Is it saying that your mistake was expected, was one of far too many, or was it because you’re a horrible person? Or was your inner voice reminding you that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and your mistake is an excellent opportunity to learn something and make improvements?
Your inner voice, or self-talk, is a running narration of your daily experiences. It is a combination of conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs developed throughout your life in response to things people have said to you, ways in which people have related to you, and how you have felt about yourself in various scenarios.
Shanette Smith, LMFT, lead clinical program developer at Sharp Grossmont Hospital for Behavioral Health, says that how you talk to yourself is easily the most important conversation you will ever have. Self-talk shapes how you treat yourself and how you approach and engage the world around you.
It's important to engage in self-talk that creates a balanced narrative, acknowledging both our missteps and successes. Smith says that what takes place in our mind can most certainly manifest in our reality. If the story you are telling yourself is negative — you’ll never succeed, no one loves you, you’re not smart enough — you have to work at changing that narrative.
"Our inner critic tends to fixate on missteps while glossing over our strengths and accomplishments," she says. "By quieting that negative self-talk and intentionally acknowledging our progress, even the small wins, we can gradually shift the narrative toward one that reflects the fuller truth of who we are and what we’ve achieved."
She offers three tips to positively influence your self-talk, thereby increasing your self-love:
Examine the external.
We are bombarded with images and messages consumed via media and social media, as well as from those with whom we spend our time. It's important to recognize that what you are seeing and hearing directly contributes to how you think and feel about yourself.
Pause and ask yourself: “How do I feel when I consume these images and messages or when I’m around these types of people?”
You get to decide who you spend time with and what messages you want to receive, so choose messages that positively influence your thinking and feeling. That way, you’re more likely to make decisions that are healthy for you that support positive self-talk and outlook of self. Ultimately, seek out the messages that best serve you and your well-being.
Revisit your values.
When you make a change within yourself, it has a ripple effect on those around you. Recognize that you have the opportunity to break negative cycles by identifying and aligning your behaviors with the values you find most important. Set a positive example by guarding your mind from unproductive messages and by spreading your own message of kindness, authenticity and self-love.
Practice prioritizing yourself.
It’s important to cultivate a practice in which you prioritize yourself. Do you say “no” to things that don’t fit into your positive narrative or serve you? Do you stand up for things that truly matter the most to you? Do you seek out those who “feed” you rather than drain you?
The things you focus on — good or bad — will lead to the emotions you experience. Try balancing your thoughts, and instead of dwelling on the negative, identify what you want to change and encourage movement in that direction by setting goals that empower you rather than weigh you down. By shifting your attention toward the good already in your life and taking steps toward what you want, you create momentum toward self-love — and you shouldn’t let anyone or anything slow that down.
“Imagine what your life looks like when you talk kindly to yourself, treat yourself well and love yourself,” Smith says. “Then, put those thoughts into practice to manifest that life.”
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