Coping with caregiving and chronic depression

I am woman … hear me roar?

While Helen Reddy’s song lyric “I am woman, hear me roar” was less a question and more a rallying cry, that roar can be tempered for some by cries due to the stress of caring for loved ones.

Women tend to provide most of the informal care to family and friends. In the United States, an estimated 66% of caregivers are female.

Luann DeVriese is one such woman. Happily married to her high school sweetheart, life took a drastic turn when her husband was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 60. Just like that, Luann became his caregiver.

However, along with the weight of caregiving, Luann was also experiencing depression. “When my husband got sick, that started my road to hell,” says Luann. “My whole life, I have lived with depression, and now I was also dealing with trying to take care of my husband.”

Dual challenges

Over the years, the pressures of caregiving, coupled with ongoing depression, took a toll on Luann. In August 2020, she made the decision to place her husband in a nursing home because she could no longer care for him on her own.

“This happened during COVID, so I didn’t even get to see him,” says Luann.

In November 2020, Luann’s husband died. And on the heels of losing him, Luann’s elderly mother was diagnosed with dementia.

Once again, Luann had become a loved one’s caregiver. However, the symptoms of her mother’s dementia — outbursts, anger, sleepless nights — became too much for Luann to cope with.

“It was Labor Day 2022, and I just couldn’t stop crying,” says Luann. “I had a mental breakdown. My mom called my son at work, and he and my daughter-in-law came over to take care of me and my mom.”

The next morning, Luann’s son took her to Sharp Grossmont Hospital’s Emergency Department. “Luckily, I had a very nice intake person who told me, ‘Look, we think we have a great program for you,’” says Luann.

That program was the Senior Intensive Outpatient Program offered at Sharp Grossmont Hospital for Behavioral Health. “They told me it was a group therapy program, and I’d get a ride to attend therapy,” says Luann. “I said OK — I was willing to try anything.”

Working through the guilt

Luann started group therapy in September 2022.

While in the program, Luann was still caring for her mother, which continued to remain challenging. She, as she had with her husband, made the painful decision of placing her mother in a board-and-care facility.

“She cursed me out — she was so mad at me,” says Luann. “My mother was never the same after that. She died within three months. Here she was dying, and I couldn’t go see her because I had gotten sick at the time. So, I had to deal with the guilt of letting my mother die in board-and-care by herself with strangers around.”

Luann says she could not have gotten through the turmoil of her mother’s death without the help of group therapy. “I felt worthless,” she says. “I felt I let my mom down. But they taught me that I have to take care of myself, otherwise, I can’t take care of anybody else. I felt therapy really gave me the tools to get through things.”

Enjoying the golden years

In therapy, Luann learned what she calls “the blueprint” of staying healthy.

“You can’t keep ruminating about what went wrong in your life or bad decisions you made because we all make them,” she says. “You’ve just got to be able to live with it and move on. Therapy taught me how to live with all of these emotions and to not keep going back and saying, ‘I should of.’”

Luann also learned about the importance of engaging in new activities and having a social life. She took up American mahjong and now enjoys jewelry-making, volunteering and traveling. She even coordinates monthly luncheons with women she befriended in group therapy. She graduated from the program in January 2024.

“I suffered from depression much more than any pill was helping me,” Luann says. “Not only did the group help me get in touch with myself, but they also helped me learn how to take care of myself. Without it, I think I might have just dwindled away.”

Learn more about mental health services at Sharp HealthCare. To get more information about Sharp Grossmont Hospital for Behavioral Health’s intensive outpatient programs, please call 619-740-5811, send an email or submit a request form.