Valentine’s Day: Love is bigger than romance

Long before Valentine’s Day became all about heart-shaped chocolates and red roses, mid-February marked Lupercalia — an ancient Roman festival focused on fertility, spring and renewal.

Romance entered the picture centuries later, when the medieval poet Geoffrey Chaucer linked the day to the time when birds chose their mates. That poetic idea took flight, evolving into greeting cards, traditions and a holiday largely dedicated to romantic love.

Everyone loves a good love story, but there’s a heavy emphasis on romantic love with little room to celebrate other meaningful forms of connection. Love also lives in families, friendships and everyday relationships that support our well-being — connections that are powerful but often overlooked.

Valentine’s Day through a mental health lens

For many individuals, Valentine’s Day can be difficult. For those who are single, divorced, not in a traditional relationship or grieving the loss of a partner, the holiday can stir up complicated emotions.

“Feelings of loneliness, sadness, insecurity or FOMO — fear of missing out — are common,” says Candy Elson, LCSW, lead social worker at Sharp Grossmont Hospital for Behavioral Health. “The human condition makes is easy to believe ‘the grass is greener on the other side.’ We often idealize other people’s lives, even though we’re rarely seeing the whole story.”

Elson notes that holidays, such as Valentine’s Day, Christmas and Thanksgiving, can act like emotional landmines, triggering memories that leave people feeling vulnerable to depression, anxiety or thoughts of being “less than” or unlovable.

“In mental health, it’s called a cognitive distortion,” Elson explains. “It’s an exaggerated or irrational thought pattern that causes someone to perceive reality inaccurately — like thinking, ‘everyone is having a perfect Valentine’s Day except me.’”

When these thoughts pop up, they tend to skew toward the worst-case scenario. Left unchecked, they can become “thinking traps” that fuel stress, anxiety and low self-esteem.

The social media effect

A quick scroll through social media can make love look effortless. On Valentine’s Day, feeds are often filled with carefully curated images of perfect couples, gifts or posed moments.

“This can have a huge negative impact on teenagers and adults alike,” says Elson. And it can amplify the negative mental health effects more than the positive, if you don’t limit or monitor your use.

She notes that highlight reels rarely tell the full story — one reason many people choose to stay off social media altogether.

That aside, there are moments of connection worth acknowledging. At its best, Valentine’s Day should remind us that love doesn’t exist in just one form. It shows up in friendships, family bonds, caregiving, companionship and even relationships with ourselves.

Love beyond romance

Although romantic love takes the spotlight, it’s not the only — or even most sustaining — kind of love in our lives. Research consistently shows that strong connections of all kinds are essential for emotional well-being.

“Humans need a sense of belonging, and that can come in many forms,” Elson says. “Romantic love is great if that’s part of your life, but wider and deeper roots are also important. The expression ‘it takes a village’ is not only true for child rearing, but for emotional health. Many circles of relationships and connections are needed for us to thrive — our partners, parents, children, neighbors, co-workers, church and community connections, and so on.”

Often, it’s these relationships that help us feel seen, supported and valued in ways romantic relationships alone cannot.

Self-love also plays a critical role. Self-acceptance, self-compassion and healthy self-esteem form the foundation of mental well-being. Treating yourself with kindness, especially during emotionally charged times, can buffer feelings of inadequacy or loneliness.

Rethinking how we celebrate

For anyone feeling especially alone on Valentine’s Day, mental health professionals encourage rejecting the hype and idealized expectations.

“Connection doesn’t have to look like a candlelit dinner for two,” says Elson. “It might mean hosting friends for a meal, planning a game or movie night, reaching out to someone you trust, or simply giving yourself permission to opt out.”

New traditions like “Galentine’s Day” or “Palentine’s Day” offer low-pressure, inclusive alternatives that push back against the commercialization of romance. Galentine’s Day, celebrated on February 13, focuses on friendship between women, while Palentine’s Day is a gender‑neutral celebration of all friendships.

“When we widen the definition of love, Valentine’s Day becomes less about what’s missing — and more about the connections that quietly sustain us all year long,” Elson says.

Learn more about mental health; get the latest health and wellness news, trends and patient stories from Sharp Health News; and subscribe to our weekly newsletter by clicking the "Sign up" link below.