How to support someone after suicide loss

In 1999, the late U.S. Senator Harry Reid introduced a resolution to create International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, held on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. The observance was to give people grieving a suicide loss time to connect and find hope. Reid’s father died by suicide, and Reid spoke about how difficult the experience was and how stigma kept him silent for years.

While every loss of life is painful, losing someone to suicide can be complex. Survivors often experience layers of grief, shock, confusion and unanswered questions. And like Senator Reid, they worry about how others will react, making an already devastating situation even more difficult to process. “Common emotions are anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness and shame,” says Mary Heineke, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Sharp Grossmont Hospital for Behavioral Health.

She says survivors often ask themselves questions, like “Why?” or “How did I miss the signs?” These questions don’t always have answers, making it harder to make sense of what happened.

A different kind of loss

Grief after suicide comes with distinct challenges. “The trauma associated with suicide increases complicated grief,” Heineke says.

Complicated grief is a deep form of sorrow that makes it harder for someone to heal and find their way back to everyday life.

Circumstances surrounding the death can also greatly influence a survivor. This includes whether they were the ones who found the loved one after their death, and whether law enforcement was involved or needed to investigate the suicide as a possible homicide.

Factors like these can make the loss feel even more overwhelming, especially when survivors are left with traumatic images or memories.

Survivors’ risk for mental health struggles

Heineke notes that the stigma surrounding suicide — combined with the guilt and shame that often follow such a painful experience — can place survivors at heightened risk for mental health challenges.

“Complex grief can lead to long-term depressive symptoms,” she says. “For instance, the way a person dies by suicide can be a very traumatic scene. It may even leave family members responsible for cleaning up or moving a loved one’s personal items from their home.”

Many people struggle to re-engage with daily life after suicide loss and experience intense grief, depression, anxiety or isolation. Such loss can sometimes lead to PTSD or their own suicidal thoughts.

Understanding the role of stigma

The stigma surrounding suicide can make healing even harder. Misconceptions about suicide and mental illness may cause survivors to stay silent, avoid asking for help, or fear being judged. This isolation can increase the risk of long-term depression and persistent feelings of guilt or shame.

“It’s a misconception that one fully ‘recovers’ from a suicide loss,” Heineke says. “Instead, survivors learn to live with the grief. For some, meaning comes from helping others who are beginning their own journey after a loss.”

Compassionate support is essential in helping survivors cope and, eventually, find a sense of hope.

How to support survivors: Do’s and don’ts

Friends and family members can play key roles in helping someone cope with suicide loss. Heineke recommends the following ways to help:

• Listen without judgment.
  Hear what they’re willing to share without trying to “fix” their feelings.

• Validate their pain.
  Let them know you understand how deeply they are hurting and that you’re willing to walk alongside them.

• Ask what they need.
  Simple questions, such as “How can I support you?” show care without assuming or minimizing their experience.

What friends or family should avoid:

• Avoid imposing beliefs about suicide.
  Statements, such as “They’re in a better place,” or religious assurances can feel dismissive or painful.

• Don’t offer platitudes.
  Saying “You’ll get through this,” or “I know how you feel,” can invalidate their unique grief.

• Don’t minimize or correct their emotions.
  Even if guilt or shame seems irrational, this is a vulnerable time — survivors need understanding, not correction.

When to seek professional help

Many survivors find counseling helpful for navigating suicide-related grief. Support is available. Reach out to a professional if you, a friend or family member is experiencing any of the following signs:

• Persistent, intense sorrow, pain, depression and rumination over the loss of your loved one

• Ongoing guilt over the suicide or thoughts that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death

• Lack of trust in others, or an inability to work, enjoy life or think about positive experiences with your loved one

• Difficulty conducting day-to-day routines, sleeplessness, sleeping too much, not eating or overeating, or an inability to work or attend regular activities

• Feelings that life isn't worth living now or struggling to find reasons to live

Learn more about mental health; get the latest health and wellness news, trends and patient stories from Sharp Health News; and subscribe to our weekly newsletter by clicking the "Sign up" link below.